The F Word... By Garrett DavisNo, not that F word! What kind of website do you think this is? Jeesh. I’m talking about forgiveness. People who tend not to forgive others usually don't trully understand what forgiveness is, or they have misconceptions of the matter. People often don’t want to forgive because they think that there’s nothing in it for them. That notion couldn’t be further from the truth. Not only is there something in it for the forgiver, but there's usually much more benefit to be had by the person doing the forgiving then by the person being forgiven. The individual who chooses to resist forgiveness chooses to embrace thoughts and emotions that are damaging to his or her physical and mental health. Anger and resentment are insidious emotions that can really ruin an otherwise healthy existence. Some people hold on to anger towards others like there’s actually some benefit in doing so. Some people will hold grudges for years or even decades. Others hold on to grudges their entire lives. Often, the person who did the insulting, betraying, lying, leaving, or whatever, will have long since forgotten about the incident while the person who was victimized continues to hold on to the resentment. Actually, it's not uncommon for those who betray others to at first not feel much remorse. They may also be infused with the deepest remorse imaginable. In either instance, it would be to your advantage to forgive. Think about it like this: If the offender is remorseful, then you both benefit from forgiveness. If the offender is not remorseful, then only you benefit from forgiveness. In either situation, you benefit. So let's explore how and why you can benefit from forgiving those who have wronged you. "Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life – to allow life to live through you. The alternatives are pain and suffering, a greatly restricted flow of life energy, and in many cases physical disease." ~ Eckhart Tolle If forgiveness is even a consideration, it's because you perceive yourself as having been wronged in some way. Maybe it was a parent, an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, or an ex best friend who did you wrong. It certainly did not feel good to be on the receiving end of whatever they did to you. Maybe what they did caused you anger, saddness, or resentment. Perhaps you were absolutely devastated, or maybe the circumstances were less severe, but either way you were hurt. The value in forgiving is in letting go of the hurt. As long as you choose not to forgive, you choose to hold on to the harmful emotions resulted from the betrayal. Forgiveness involves a degree of letting go. "Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future." ~ Paul Boese Most people would agree that their angry and resentful thoughts and emotions are not conducive to their happiness, but how many people actually choose unconditional forgiveness? The person who chooses not to forgive is essentially choosing resentment over happiness. As long as you have resentment and anger in your life, your happiness will be limited. Anger and resentment are simple not pieces of the happiness pie. Forgiveness is the antidote. There are two levels of forgiveness that you can choose from, and you can stand to benefit from either. The first involves actually telling someone that you forgive them. This will certainly benefit you, and it may or may not benefit them. If the perpetrator has any remorse then he or she will benefit from the forgiveness. If they do not have any remorse, your forgiveness may not benefit them now, but it may benefit them in the future. Sometimes people don't realize just how they affected others until years after the fact. Sometimes there's a lot of personal growth a person will have to go through before they become capable of realizing just how their past actions have adversely effected others. A common example can be made of those who look back on having made fun of other kids. He or she may not have had enough empathy as a child to be capable of appreciating the impact they were having. More than often kids who made fun of other kids grow up to become well-adjusted adults who regret behaving as they did. The point is that if the person who wronged you is not sorry now, they very well may be sorry in the future. Or not. It really doesn't matter. You can't control whether or not another will ever feel regret. Forgive them anyways. You will stand to benefit just as much from forgiving another whether that person is sorry or not. So there's forgiveness in which you will actually tell the person that you forgive them, and then there's a slightly different type of forgiveness that is more private. If you don't even know the person anymore, or you'd rather just handle the matter privately, then simply mentally forgive them. Think of a person that you are no longer in contact with who has wronged you and definitively and conclusively decide that you forgive them. Plan ahead for this if you have to. Decide that as of a certain date, you will forgive this person. People will sometimes go to the grave of someone who has mistreated them in order to ceremoniously forgive that person. If whoever wronged you has already died, literally go to their grave tell them out loud that you forgive them for what they did or didn’t do. Put a flower on their grave. Say out loud, "from this moment on, I send you love". Holding anger towards someone who is dead is an entirely illogical thing to do. Yet people do it all the time. Holding on to anger towards anyone is illogical. Anger is a deleterious emotion. If you have anger towards someone, who's really hurt by it? You! Depending on the severity of the anger, it's probably no fun for those around you either. That just ends up back on you though. First and foremost, the host of the anger is the one who's damaged. If you've forgiven someone wholly and correctly, you've abolished all anger and resentment towards them. Dissolving such feelings is an inherent part of forgiving. If you forgive someone, and you find yourself still experiencing anger and resentment, then you've not really forgiven. When you've thoroughly forgiven someone, you should feel like you've had a weight lifted off of your shoulders. If you temporarily feel good after you forgive, but feel yourself slipping after some time, then try again. Be quick to remind yourself that you are to harvest no more anger towards that person. "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~ Mark Twain If you've had a habit ruminating over the unfortunate circumstances of our past for many years, you very well may have to work at this for a while. The key will be in persistence. You may still feel the negative emotions from time to time simply because they've become a way of life. You'll just need†to practice catching yourself, and reminding yourself that you've forgiven and that in doing so you've chosen to let your anger go. When Eckart Tolle really captured the value in forgiveness when he so eloquently said that, "Forgiveness is to offer no resistance to life - To allow life to live through you." To resist forgiveness is to resist life simply because holding a grudge is an unhealthy thing to do. You make a life resisting choice when you choose to resist forgiveness. Also, to resist forgiveness is to live in the past. You can bring your consciousness back into the present by choosing to let go of anger and resentment. Anger and resentment are always retrospective emotions. If you are angry and resentful, it is because you are focusing your attention on some event that happened in your past. As you continue to do so you distract yourself from your present life. The more focused you are on your past, the less attention you give to your present. A great deal of personal growth can be accomplished by staying present. Staying present means focusing the vast majority of your attention on what is currently happening in your life. How can you mprove your situation if you're mostly focused on the misfortunes of your past? To resist forgiveness is to resist personal growth. Anger is a very distracting emotion. The longer you hold on to your past, the longer your life will stay locked in a stagnant position. Sure, you'll be able to make some progress without letting go, but you'll be amazed at what starts to happen when you've fully forgiven. Another reason that people resist forgiveness is that they confuse forgiving with forgetting. You'll never really forget, and forgiving does not require you to forget. You'll always be able to retain the lessons learned. You can forgive without making the same mistake twice. In fact, you'll be less likely to make the same mistake twice after you've forgiven, because you'll have gained a fresh new perspective. You'll have cleared your mind. You'll be healthy and vibrant. If your resentment is directed at an ex boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, you'll never really be able to have a healthy intimate relationship again until you choose to forgive. You won't be able to give the new person the attention they deserve if you are destracted by someone from your past. So let go and let in the love. "He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love." ~ Martin Luther King. Know that forgiving others will always bring you strength. The act of forgiving is never weakening, it’s always strengthening. So don’t let your ego get in the way of a good thing. "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~ Gandhi To keep yourself current with all the latest from Guidance For The Motivated, sign up for the free newsletter. If you enjoy the free information on this site, you're sure to enjoy the free newsletter. I won’t share your email address, and you can easily unsubscribe at any time. The newsletter goes out about once a week.
Related Articles: - The Personal Growth Manifesto - How To Build Excellent Self-Control
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© Copyright Garrett Davis 2008 |
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